totaly lost

am lost
with every single meaning of this word
is it possable to be in love with some 1
and have a MADLY crush in some 1 else ?
i dont know exactly what i feel
all what i know
that this girl give me fever in her presence
and with her i feel am some 1 else
she talks to my head
SHE LET ME THINK !
i never met some 1 who provoke my internal insticts
my deep desire
things that is deeply buired in my subconsiouce.
things that am ashamed of
things that i want to do but always something stop me form doing it.
she let me question things i always take them as (moslmat)
every time i talk to her , i look at things in a different aspect
its not like she changes my views, but simply... she let me THINK.
and then, i have to give it all up !
not only ihad to do that ... but i have to do it as if it was MY OWN DECISION.
deep inside me i know that it is right to do it... i mean let her go, although she seems that she have started to like me too alot, but we got to do what we HAVE to do not what we WANT to do.
am planning to back off (tdrejyan)
imean iwill start cutting off some of our phone calls, msgs, then till this ends up.
i always thought it will be easy .. but giving the fact that today she told me she can't wait for finals to finish so we can chat more..... :( her sentence broke my heart.i will loose a friendship... and propaply break a heart :(

to be or not to be

soo Ramadan has finished

it comes and goes zy albrg

:D

it's not like i'm happy that's finally end,

but for godsakes ithink that iwill have a skin disease soon,

ihaven't been exposed for ummmmmm... A WHOLE MONTH !!

so... i'm thinking

scine iwas a very VERY VERY bad blogger

i mean , ispend 2-3 hours every day reading others blogs but not spend 15 minutes writing on mine...... lol

any ways,

my preparation for london has started

and after knowing that it will be toooo cold for a t-shirt & jeans with a soft jacket to fit in, i

started to look for more heavy clothes to wear,

untill now , i manged to pick 4 pairs and 3 are left to choose.

any way.. 3ala al93eed al3a6fy.......

ican't stop thinking of HER, coz mn bod kl almarat ally ahly safro fyha, almara alw7eeeeeedah aly ana mar7t m3ahm feha .. KL HATHA Y9EEEEER !

X factor was there .. ican smell it, see it and feel it.

ma3ref law mn jed ana ab'3a alsalfh t9eer.......

a7s inh hal6reeg ally msheet fyh mn gbl '6y3ne... o ma9dgt iny a79lny mara thanyah

so that's enough !

ithink i have to concentrate about my studying now... oo y9eer 5eer 3ala albagy

and... my wight

oo aaaaaaaah mn my wieght..

this issue also i have to see what i can do about it...........

any ways guys

aitha 79l oo a7d mar 3ala my blog .. plz recomand any specal place for me to spend in london... beware it will only be a ladies' trip =)

chaw

gossip confession (1 )

its 1.00 am in the morning, and although i haven't drunk anything that contain caffiene , but still, sleeping is way away from my eyelid, its like he doesn't have any soon desire to come to me. any ways, this is not my issue here , coz if i will start talking about my sleepless night , and my insomnic body, iwon't finish.

its just that there is something which is really bothering me.

first i was like , iwill never talk about anything privte or anything that might lead to my identity.

but spending a lot of time on blogger , and noticing that no one is really visiting my blog make me think that...... what the hell ? iwill split it out ... one by one , every day iwill hold an issue and start at7l6m 3leeh, lets call them my gossip's confessions :) yuppppppppy

iwill start with my best friend, now lets call her farah

1st time i laied an eye on her was at my 1st year on college, u see i go to a local college of medicine , and despite the fact that ididn't really like medicine ( this is a big huge issue iwill post about it later ) i didn't fit in the "government" college as well.

scince i was in kindergarden i used to go to this privte school that was the best in the region i live, only those who can effored to pay can go , not only money, but children have to go through multiple exams for them to get accept.

any how, back to college, i felt iwas looooost , many faces which i wasn't familiar with , many cahrecters, many girls that wasn't my type AT ALL. im sorry, i don't mean anything like iny atkbr 3leehm or anything like that , but when u remove an 18 years old from a "Bourgeois classs"( sorry again , ididn't mean to use this word in a bad way , u will know what i mean when u will read the rest of my blog ) she was raised in scince she was 5, its like my whole pink world has fallen apart.

back to the story noony ,, plz :) ok , imet her, she was crossing infront of me with her mobile in her ears : "la la ya bo7meed , ma ynf3 alshisha lazim to9lny alyom , l2ny bokra brou7 m3 ahly alb7reen. "i stunted at my place, actually not only she was talking with "the accent", she was using words like "shisha" and " b7reen" that i haven't heard any 1 who dared to pronounce it scince i came to this STUPID university !

this moment, i knew that this girl will be my best friend. =) <<>

without thinking and acting as IMPULSIVE as always, i stepped to her and said while smiling : "tjeen m3ay njeeb awrag mn al copy center" WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT ! idon't know her name , she doesn't know mine, i don't know if she were a 1st year student A9LAN! and all of the sudden , we were walking towrd the copycenter.

the building we were hidding to was 10 minutes away from us!

- " do u have a boyfrimd" God ihate my mind when still act and think like a teenager !

-" yes his name is a7md "she said smiling.

ok, 2 things was popping in my mind: i'm not only the crazy one here to open this kind of conversation with a STRANGER, and the second is WTH of her telling me this privte thing, SHE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW MY LAST NAME ! and who am i here blaming her when i am the one who asked her in the 1st place. the 2nd thing i felt, damn this girl is sooo right for me.

this day . iwent back to home , and not sweped a single tear, i knew that form now on , there is some 1 I will climp the mountain of this crazy college with , some one who will understand me.

you see, i start writing this post hoping to let go of some anger i felt after the last fight we had , but end up talking about how i thanks God that a mirecle happened 5 years ago , and just like i was sooo wrong going to this college , some 1 else shared me the same pathway.

ok, enough for today, ihope tomorrow i can at7l6m 3leeha gd ma agder.

good night ppl

ps: everytime i remind farah of what she said to me that day about a7md she feel VERY embaressed coz spliting all this tiny detalis of her privte life WASN'T something she usually do AT ALL. lool, as i spend more time with her , i agree with this point.

pps : if any 1 pass by , feel free to comment on anything :)

100 things about me

1. Last beverage : diet pepsi
2. Last phone call: my bro
3. Last instant message: !
4. Last song you listened to : om klthom - 7yrt 2lby
5. Last time you cried : last night
6. Last text message : " im ! airport ... missin u already "

LIST THREE FAVORITE COLORS:

12. pink
13. Bany blue
14. red

THIS MONTH HAVE YOU:

15. Made a new friend : Yes.
16. Fallen out of love : mybe
17. Laughed until you cried : ican't remember
18. Met someone who changed your life: YES.
19. Found out who your true friends were : confused :S
20. Found out someone was talking about you : nope, thanks God
21. Have you kissed anyone on your Facebook friends list: -.-
22. How many people on your Facebook friends list do you know in real life: 90%
23. How many kids do you want to have: 5, 3 girls and 2 boys anshallah
24. Do you have any pets: a cat and a fish
25. Do you want to change your name: No.. I love it
26. What did you get for your last birthday: a sofa from mom
27. What time did you wake up today :11:00 am
28. What were you doing at midnight last night: craying
29. Name something you CANNOT wait for: this 3eed holiday
30. Last time you saw your father: Last night.
31. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life: my specialty
32. What are you listening to right now: Absolutely nothing.
33. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: Not that I remember..
34. Who’s getting on your nerves right now: the dean of my college, 2 of my friends... and my sis !
35. Most visited web page: FB -.-
36: what’s your real name: noony :P
37. Nicknames: nawara ... noosh ..
38. Status: Single.
39. Zodiac sign: cancer
40. Male or female: Female.
44. University: med school
45. Hair color: blask
46. Long or short: In the middle...
47. Are you a health freak: NOT AT ALL.. i smoke hubly bubly ( shisha) i drink 3 cans of soft drinks every day , i eat junk food daily , i sleep 3-4 hr/ daily... and i'm over wight
49. Do you have a crush on someone: BIG TIME
50: What do you like about yourself: smart, confident.... and i mind small tiny stuff in others !
51. What don’t you like about yourself: being sensitive... and sensitive... and sensitive, what else .. ummmmm Sensitive ???
52. Righty or lefty: Righty.
FIRSTS :
53. First surgery: umblical hernia when i was 2
54. First piercing: ears piercing when i ws 2 as well
55. Your first best friend: shahood
56. First award: ican't remmeber
57. First sport you joined : soccer.. and i LOVED IT !
58. First pet: zozo ( cat )
59. First vacation: US when i was 3
60. First concert: ican't remember .. many pics of me with family in many concerts , ijust cant recall where..
61. First crush: looool .. with a boy in my kindergarden calss.. ithink his name was hasan.
WHAT ARE YOU?
62. Eating : left overs from chilies
63. Drinking: Nothing.
64. I’m about to: fall in sleep.
65. Listening to: Nothing.
66. Waiting for: my cat to finish eating.
YOUR FUTURE :
67. Want kids : Inshallah
68. Want to get married : yarb :P one day.
69. Careers in mind: ihope iwill be done from college on time .. oo b3dha y7lha rby.
WHICH IS BETTER WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX?
70. Lips or eyes: EYES
71. Hugs or kisses: both :$
72. Romantic or spontaneous: spontaneous
73. Nice stomach or nice arms: stomach
74. Sensitive or loud: both :D
75. Hook-up or relationship: ummmm
76. Trouble maker or hesitant: ofcourse trouble maker
77. Lefty or Righty: lefty
78. Shorter or taller: Taller.
79. Older or Younger: older ofcourse !

HAVE YOU EVER :

80. Lost glasses/contacts: iware none
81. Ran away from home: Yes
82.kissed a stranger: not yet
83. Drank Pepsi: yes. haha
84. Broken someone’s heart: yes..........
85. Been arrested : No.
86. Turned someone down: I'm afraid Yes.
87. Cried when someone died : yes :(
88. Liked a guy/girl friend?: mafhmt

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

89. Yourself: ALOT !
90. Miracles: yes
91. Love at first sight: ibelive in LUST at first sight.
92. Heaven : Yes of course.. striving for it..
93. Santa Claus: no , but ilike the ideas.
94. Kiss on the first date : nope
95. Angels : Yes..

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY :

96. Are you happy with your life: al7amdllah 3ala kel 7al..
97. Is there one person you want to be with right now: Yeah..
98. Had more than one boyfriend/girlfriend at one time: Nope.
99. Do you believe in God : Yes.
100. Posting this as 100 Truths? Sure why not -.-

1

today is the 4th day that i open this page, and stare at this white blank withought having a courege to write anything, i instantly blured my vision with my tears.
idon't know what kept me away from writing.
am i too shy to write?
or am i scared of reveling my secrets?
ithink what is in my chest is TOO MUCH
i apolgize before i start for my broken languge , though i insest in writing on english coz , till when will i be shy ? if i will not try, iwill not learn,
beside .. no one know me here , and i don't think i have much readers.
yallah .. let's start :

irecived a call from one of my friends telling me that our other friend's mother had a Myocardial infarction ( jal6ah fy al8lb). iwas Shoked ! her mom is very sweet and she's healthy and YOUNG ! icalled her 3la 6ool oo just by saying: salam , my friend broke on tears : ican't belive whats happening, noony she is sick ! she can't breath , she cant talk and there is milions of machine on her chest assisting her ventilation. OMG we always take things for granted. noony plz PLEASE don't be sad and comlain about any stupid studying issues, we have to start appreciating our blessing in our lifes, and if we willl ever nenhar ... 5leeh 3ala shy yswa.

i tried to assure her ... but the real thing, that i was who really needed an issurment. ididn't know why exactly icried ? is it because iwas overwhelmed by her mom situatoion and bringing my studying subject up in the middle of her crises? or is it because iwas feeling guilty of my sadness? is it possable to feel guilty on uncontrolable feeling.

any way.. i decide calling my ( blessing in my life )... my Mom.
she was in her ( r7lt alshta2 oo al9yef ) 7agt-ha ,.. and .. awl ma sm3t 9oot-ha .. i broke on tears........ i cried.. like there is no tomorrow.....
icried for my friend's mom
icried for my failure in my subject
icried for fighting with the girls
icried for feeling so lonley
icried for runening my mom's vication by this call !
and most of all ............ icried for missing her.

ok .. enough for today... ithink imade a good step on starting...
iwill write every single night, and if any one pass by ... feel free to comment on my post .. or to fix my languge.
al7mdelleh im relived... at least 10 % .. i will bring it all .. till it will be 100 % .. but for now, panadol night starts rocking my mind..
so good night.

8 things

its 1 am .. i couldn't sleep
all though iwas waiting for the night to come to fall a sleep,
ihad avery long day , including an exam with no noamt 39er
any way, i saw this in one of the blogs i read
it is very interesting, so i decide to copy and paste and change the answers:

enjoy :*

8 things I am looking forward to:

ejaza
summer course
safrah fy al3eed
swiming in the pool
shopping for new clothes
my bro gift
anything abiut (h)
swaleef banat


8 things I wish I could do:

drive a car
changing my t59o9
skipping school and start working
fallin in L
loosing 10 kilos
traviling with my friends
having another cat
solvingm y prob. with ......

8 things I love:

* my mom and dad
my friends
blogger
my lovely cat
my room
shisha
sushi
b7reen

8 things I did yesterday:

* Studied
cryed

8 shows I watch:

grey's anatomy
house MD
DHW
privte practice
ER
lost
friends
summerland

8 bloggers I tag:
none , i'm new on this

so
iwas just wondering
how we usually decide what ppl r ?
do we divide them as doctors ? and normal ( non-doctors) ppl !
do we as a DOCTORS have a different blood in our vaiens
or do we usually divide them as ordinory ppl ? and extraordinory ones
the thing is .. that i never felt that iwas a usuall girl
scince i was a child, i knew .. that iwasn't normal
its not just being naughty or dissobying my family orders, ifelt something deep .. words were not just for talking , and eyes was not just for seeing
back of classifying ppl
do we usually calcify them by thier family name ? skin color ? or more importont ? thier religion and views?
how can i even know whats my views when i'm ony left for 1 week withought my parents and sudenlly all the philosphy of life pops in my head and get mix with lots and lots of concepts and values.
do i really get my calmness and aims from them ?!
and what about the new moody phase i'm getting throw?
just because one of my frinds, that i hardly consider her as friend , told me in a very blaming way taht i'm one of those " mzajyeen " suddnly ibecome one of them with all those ups and downs, and having a milion of ideas and " decisions " at every second.
ithink ... and God, i ALWAYS think that i'm in a new phase?
or is that me being away from my prents, in a middle of exams and not talking to my best frind, weekend!
all i know, that things have to change
at least local ones!
my B-day was 3 days ago, i'm 23 now! there is no time to waste in blaming others ? or regreting things i did !
its either now ..........or never !